


Rising From An Alcoholic Stupor

by Daisyith



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Drifting Apart, Drinking, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:11:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisyith/pseuds/Daisyith
Summary: It took a lot for Daniel to realise that moving to Renault hadn't been a mistake.





	Rising From An Alcoholic Stupor

Fingers curled around the cool glass; Daniel lifted the drink to his lips. Amber liquid coated his tongue and warmed his throat, burning as it passed. But he didn’t care. Today, he could barely feel the touch of alcohol. He was numb, unable to muster a smirk, let alone his trademark smile. Daniel shook the glass, his tongue desperately seeking the last drops of liquid. It was the only way he knew how to ease the pain.

Already, the room had started to swirl into a blur of colour – far more interesting than the drab, dark walls around him. Daniel wasn’t sure of the time, or how long he’d been drinking, but as he glanced outside, he realised the world had been bathed in an orange glow. He could hear the incessant ticking of the hotel clock and the constant whirring of the air conditioning unit. But it was still too quiet. He was left with his own thoughts: telling him that he wasn’t good enough, that he’d made a mistake, that he’d never get the same chances again. The more he heard it, the more he believed it. He was beginning to think Renault had been a mistake, but what could he do now? With a heavy sigh, he flicked through the television channels before settling on mindless nonsense. But it was just another way to drown out the silence. 

He missed laughter; he had almost forgotten what it sounded like. Trapped inside his own head was deafening, the words harsh and taunting. It had been a long time since his mouth had curled up into a genuine smile, rather than the fake one normally plastered across his mouth. He wasn’t sure when it had gotten this bad or when he had started the drinking. But he missed being happy.

\----  
Daniel bounded into the hospitality suite, dreaming of a shower. The news had just been announced on his move and so far, the reviews had been mixed. Of course, there were some people who didn’t understand the appeal of Renault but even Christian had been supportive in his career choice. He was nearing the dreaded 3-0 and he had to start thinking about his future – he wasn’t a young driver anymore; he wanted the championship trophy. 

As he opened the door to his room, Daniel spotted a sullen faced Dutch driver on his bed,

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Max spat at Daniel. He looked small, hunched over his own frame with his hoodie drawn tight.

Daniel sighed, “I couldn’t Max, they didn’t want anyone to know, I had to sign a contract and everything.”

Max’s bottom lip wobbled as he took it between his teeth, “I’m not just anyone, am I though?” He asked bitterly. He thought their time together had meant something, now, he wasn’t so sure.

It was only as Daniel stepped forwards that he noticed the bloodshot eyes and swollen skin, “Oh Max…” He murmured softly as he knelt in front of the other man, “It’ll be alright next year, nothing has to change.” His fingers brushed against Max’s cheek.

“Like fuck it won’t change. Everything will be different Daniel, just you and your bloody optimism can’t see it.” Max said angrily, pushing at Daniel as he stood up and left the room. Daniel sat down on the bed, watching as Max retreated to the safety of his own room. He didn’t know what to do. He loved the younger man. But he had to do this for himself, he needed a change.

\---  
With a heavy sigh, Daniel brought the glass back to his chapped lips. He knew Max was right, he was stupid to believe otherwise. He thought they’d continue as though he’d never left. That even though they weren’t on the same teams, they’d still see each other just as much. He thought they were strong enough to carry on. But in reality, press conferences, team meetings and driver briefings made it impossible. Life just got in the way. And it drove them further and further apart.

\---  
After the first race of the season, Daniel had been desperately seeking companionship after a crushing defeat. As much as he loved his new team, there was no-one who could listen to his moaning. Not this early on.

He longed the familiarity of RedBull, the constant acknowledgement of his presence among friends. Now, he was sat in his hotel room, all alone. He needed to know he hadn’t made a mistake. Wrapped in just a towel after his shower, Daniel brought out his phone and messaged the man he so desperately longed to see,

_Max. Fancy a drink? 😉_

_Come to me and I’m all yours 😉_

The reply had been almost instant. A shiver ran down Daniel’s back, his skin prickling in anticipation. _I’ll be there in 10._ Daniel hurried around his room, trying to find something presentable to throw on. In the end, he settled on a faded blue hoodie. It was too tight on the shoulders and hung snugly around his body. But it had been ‘gifted’ to him… or taken from a drawer so close to his own last year. It bore the RedBull emblem, faded with time and wear. He paired his t-shirt with a pair of comfortable of shorts, sunglasses and a pulled down cap. He had to at least try and look incognito. It was only as he shut his hotel room door behind him that he realised he had no idea where he was going. His heart sank as he typed the message: _Where are RedBull staying?_

\----

Time had changed. Once, Daniel had known Max’s room number as confidently as he knew his own – it was usually only just down the corridor! He’d been able to sneak along a deserted corridor, searching for prying eyes until he calmly knocked against the other door. There were times when Max had even slipped the spare key card into his luggage so he could let himself in. Those had been some of the best nights… Daniel shivered as he remembered opening the room door to a very happy and very naked Max on the bed.

Now, he had to ask Max for his hotel name. It was just embarrassing. He had no idea of Max’s room number, let alone his hotel. If he didn’t ask, it was rare that he’d see Max. It was those days that left him feeling further away from Max than ever.

Daniel wobbled as he rose from his comfy chair. In a hurry, he rummaged though his clothes, thumbing through jumpers and t-shirts until he came across the blue hoodie. His eyes started to water as he pulled the material over his head. The scent of Max had long since faded but it still tugged at his heart to feel the soft material over his skin. It reminded him of when times were good: both in racing and his life.  
\---  
In despair, Daniel sank into the chair. His fists were clenched in anger, fingernails creating crescent marks on his palms. He didn’t know what to do. Rage coursed through his veins and regret bubbled beneath his skin. The voice inside his head whispered the same words: It was a mistake. Why did you leave when everything was so good? Nothing will ever be that good again. It was like a broken record, the same three sentences cycling through his head, never stopping. Not finishing yet another race spurred the bitter words, fuelled them to grow in volume until felt like his head was going to explode. He didn’t know what to do. There was only person who would tell him honestly if he asked that question. And he hadn’t seen that person for a couple of weeks, an ever-growing distance between them.

“Max.” Daniel spoke quietly into the phone, unsure of how the other person would respond. This was the first time they’d spoken in two weeks, a few vague texts sent back and forth but it wasn’t the same.

“Daniel.” Max responded. Daniel had missed the soft twang of his accent, longed to see the curl of his lips as he spoke or the flutter of his eyelashes as he blinked. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realise he hadn’t spoken for a minute or so, “Are you alright Dan?”

“Do you think I made a mistake?” He whispered pathetically, pushing the palm of his spare hand into his eyes as he tried to force away the tears. He couldn’t cry, not now.

“Dan…” Max answered softly, “You saw something in Renault, something that must have been big for you to move. And I think you’ll see it again if you don’t compare the team to RedBull.”

“B-B-But…” Daniel stumbled over his words. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, “But I’m lucky to even finish the race at this rate, let alone win anything!”

“Their time will come. Trust me.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. I’ll be ecstatic to get a point! I don’t know Max, I feel like I made a mistake. What did I think Renault could offer me that RedBull couldn’t? I feel like I lost you in the process too!” Daniel was close to tears at this point. He could feel the pressure bubbling at his eyes, threatening to spill past his lashes.

“I told you it wouldn’t always be the same. But we still see each other, don’t we? I’ll be in France next month; we should book a hotel room and it’ll be like the old days, yeah?”

Daniel nodded before remembering Max couldn’t see him, “Yeah…” There was a long pause, “I just wish I had done things differently, I’m sorry Max…” He whispered before hanging up the phone.  
\---

Despite Max’s promise, they hadn’t seen each other in France. Or since. Daniel’s heart ached as he thought of the last time he’d felt Max’s lips against his, held the smaller man in his arms or heard the gasp of pleasure from between his lips. Even if he hadn’t made a mistake in the racing, he had made a mistake in pushing Max away. There wasn’t time for the evenings they used to spend together – too frequently they were in the wrong country. And Daniel had stopped asking for Max’s hotel room number and name. He longed for the younger man to ask for his, but he never seemed to do so. It was a mistake. Why did you leave when everything was so good? Nothing will ever be that good again.

Instead, Daniel was left with his vicious thoughts and a bottle of whiskey. He filled his glass again, sighing as it splashed onto the hotel counter. He poured it over his mouth, lapping at the taste as he drank it in one. He felt numb, he wasn’t sure if he’d feel the alcoholic burn again. It did nothing to dull the pain in his heart or the ache in his body. He had made a mistake and he was beginning to recognise it. It took a few attempts, his fingers uncoordinated and clumsy but eventually, he managed to dial the number he knew by heart.

It took a few moments, “Hello?” Max answered sleepily.

“Max. Do you remember a while ago, I asked you if I’d made a mistake and you said I saw something in Renault and their time will come?” He whispered excitedly, matching Max’s own hushed volume.

“Huh? Yeah, I guess so…” Max replied, sounding confused. It was only then that Daniel remembered the late hour.

“I finally figured it out. I didn’t make a mistake choosing a new team, I made a mistake not choosing you.” He explained, an unusual confidence coursing through his body.

Max sighed, “Dan…” He began, “I miss you, I really do but we tried this before and it didn’t work. We live off two different schedules across two different countries and we just don’t have the time to make what we want.”

Daniel shook his head, “We can make time, it can be different this time.” He pleaded desperately. Max was slipping through his fingers again.

“And how would you do that?” Max asked curiously.

“I could… I could move back to RedBull?” Daniel exclaimed excitedly.

“And how would that work?

“Max, what’s the matter? Come back to bed.” Daniel heard the start of a conversation through the phone. The second voice was laced with concern as they pleaded for Max to return to bed at the late hour. Daniel felt sick at the thought, it had only been a few months and Max had latched onto someone new.

“Daniel, I’ve got to go. I’m sorry, I am but it didn’t work last time and it won’t again. We just live two different lives.”

It was only as Max hung up the phone that he realised who the other voice was. Pierre. The French accent was unmissable.

Daniel had been replaced… In more ways than just one. RedBull was his past, winning and Max and everything else it brought. But now, he had to forget about it all. He couldn’t look back in sadness, not now Max had moved on! He needed to pull himself back together and rise from the alcoholic stupor. Maybe Max was right, it would be Renault’s time one day. But he was certainly right about one thing: they did live two different lives. Max was currently tucked up in bed with his new partner? Lover? Boyfriend? With his Pierre. And Daniel was drinking alone in his hotel room, wearing Max’s old hoodie. Pathetic.

It might not have had the best start to the season but Daniel decided he was had to rise from the alcoholic stupor. This was going to be his year. He just needed to fight for it. No more wallowing in self-pity, no more self-medicating by the whiskey bottle and no more thinking about Max. Daniel slipped the faded hoodie over his head as he headed into the bathroom. Maybe he hadn’t made a mistake after all... It had just taken a lot for him to realise.


End file.
